Affordances
Reflections on the Space Between Words
In the months before getting married I asked a lot of people for advice about marriage, about the secret to having a great marriage. I was surprised by how much I advice I got to do certain kinds of things: buy her roses every three months, don't spend time alone right after work, spend at least one hour talking with her every day.
People do not realize how mistaken they are. If one does not make love the cornerstone of their marriage, all advice is vain. And if love is the foundation, all mistakes can be overlooked.
In this way, the legend of Wesley and Buttercup must be remembered. When he was told by Buttercup to fetch a pitcher, he replied 'As you wish', although he really meant 'I love you.' At a particular moment, the young maiden realized exactly what the young man was saying to her and the treasure she had found because, as Wesley himself observed, 'This is love. Do you think this happens everyday?'.
The sun rises every day. People go to work everyday. Men and women get married everyday. Love is not like those things. Love is an eternal understanding that enters history with a blink and stays forever.
When a wicked parent grows weary of his duty to care for his children and begins to despise his children in his heart, it does not matter what words he chooses -however lovely sounding they may be. The child, who hears the affordances of the words, understands perfectly everything the wicked father says. To the child it is as though he were saying, "I wish I could lock you up some place where I would never have to hear you again."
Studies have shown that when a man listens to a woman, he processes her words with the same part of his brain that responds to music. He does not hear the details: that her car broke down, that her coworkers said such-and-such, that it was a hundred degrees outside. He hears her tones, her sorrows, her relations to the details. And whether the words are full of sadness or joy, it is so beautiful for him to listen to the woman.
The brain is a vast, complex creation of God that is woefully understood by professors and doctors. Very often the brain does not remember what to say or think, it only remembers the affordances.
In dancing, for example, the brain does not remember 'Right foot goes to coordinate G4. Left foot goes to coordinate C3'. The brain remembers affordances: 'Move back just this much. Turn in just this way. Linger at this moment and then hold'. When the brain sees colors it doesn't say, 'Oh, that tulip is ten percent cyan and ninety percent magenta'. It says, 'That tulip is a little more pink than the others and I like it.'
That is the mystery of affordances, they often reveal what is brewing beneath the surface. Like facts they tell a story, but unlike the facts the story is about our own preferences and it is the story of who we are. Out of the outpouring of the heart the mouth speaks.
The way we act, behave, and pursue our desires says a lot more about who we are than what we do. The greatness of merchant was not told by the numerical amount he paid for the pearl of great value. It was told by the way he pursued it -what he was affording to part with for it, and, more importantly, it was told by his joy.
The Bible has little to say about what we ought to wish for, but it has much to say about how we ought to wish for it: in faith that we will be treated generously by God, with anxiety for nothing, in thanksgiving when we do receive it.
Our neighbors may never notice the way we live. They may only see our appearances and judge us for it. They may only see the clothes we wear, our position at our jobs, or our talents in speaking. But God sees beyond all those appearances because he looks at our hearts. He knows when we despise our neighor, and He rejoices when beneath our giving there springs a fountain of cheerfulness that wells up into life.
May the children who devote themselves to their heavenly Father take note of their hidden thoughts and the way they live out their lives. May they dwell on the rich way the Father blesses his children. May they take careful note of how they live. Amen.
I once heard a speaker explain our problems with raising children. 'The problem is not that we do not love our children, the problem is communication -we don't TELL our children that we love them. The problem is metaphysical, we don't understand the nature of children or of parenting. The problem is scheduling and budgeting ... we don't make suffecient plans to love them.' But it turns out the speaker was deceived. The problem is we don't love our children.
In the months before getting married I asked a lot of people for advice about marriage, about the secret to having a great marriage. I was surprised by how much I advice I got to do certain kinds of things: buy her roses every three months, don't spend time alone right after work, spend at least one hour talking with her every day.
People do not realize how mistaken they are. If one does not make love the cornerstone of their marriage, all advice is vain. And if love is the foundation, all mistakes can be overlooked.
In this way, the legend of Wesley and Buttercup must be remembered. When he was told by Buttercup to fetch a pitcher, he replied 'As you wish', although he really meant 'I love you.' At a particular moment, the young maiden realized exactly what the young man was saying to her and the treasure she had found because, as Wesley himself observed, 'This is love. Do you think this happens everyday?'.
The sun rises every day. People go to work everyday. Men and women get married everyday. Love is not like those things. Love is an eternal understanding that enters history with a blink and stays forever.
When a wicked parent grows weary of his duty to care for his children and begins to despise his children in his heart, it does not matter what words he chooses -however lovely sounding they may be. The child, who hears the affordances of the words, understands perfectly everything the wicked father says. To the child it is as though he were saying, "I wish I could lock you up some place where I would never have to hear you again."
Studies have shown that when a man listens to a woman, he processes her words with the same part of his brain that responds to music. He does not hear the details: that her car broke down, that her coworkers said such-and-such, that it was a hundred degrees outside. He hears her tones, her sorrows, her relations to the details. And whether the words are full of sadness or joy, it is so beautiful for him to listen to the woman.
The brain is a vast, complex creation of God that is woefully understood by professors and doctors. Very often the brain does not remember what to say or think, it only remembers the affordances.
In dancing, for example, the brain does not remember 'Right foot goes to coordinate G4. Left foot goes to coordinate C3'. The brain remembers affordances: 'Move back just this much. Turn in just this way. Linger at this moment and then hold'. When the brain sees colors it doesn't say, 'Oh, that tulip is ten percent cyan and ninety percent magenta'. It says, 'That tulip is a little more pink than the others and I like it.'
That is the mystery of affordances, they often reveal what is brewing beneath the surface. Like facts they tell a story, but unlike the facts the story is about our own preferences and it is the story of who we are. Out of the outpouring of the heart the mouth speaks.
The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.
Matthew 13:44-45
The way we act, behave, and pursue our desires says a lot more about who we are than what we do. The greatness of merchant was not told by the numerical amount he paid for the pearl of great value. It was told by the way he pursued it -what he was affording to part with for it, and, more importantly, it was told by his joy.
The Bible has little to say about what we ought to wish for, but it has much to say about how we ought to wish for it: in faith that we will be treated generously by God, with anxiety for nothing, in thanksgiving when we do receive it.
Our neighbors may never notice the way we live. They may only see our appearances and judge us for it. They may only see the clothes we wear, our position at our jobs, or our talents in speaking. But God sees beyond all those appearances because he looks at our hearts. He knows when we despise our neighor, and He rejoices when beneath our giving there springs a fountain of cheerfulness that wells up into life.
May the children who devote themselves to their heavenly Father take note of their hidden thoughts and the way they live out their lives. May they dwell on the rich way the Father blesses his children. May they take careful note of how they live. Amen.
2 Comments:
"May they take careful note of how they live."
Though my thoughts today are far from those expressed here but this struck a chord within my own scattered, sad thoughts. How easy it is to get caught up in Christian pretense, trying to appear as we should be but are not. What we appear to be means nothing but only that which God sees when He looks into our hearts. He will not reward us for those we have pretended to love, despite feelings otherwise, but on how we have truly loved those He has surrounded us with. The truth of it is between us and God alone. Likewise, with those He has trusted to love us.
I also wanted to say that this is written beautifully and the message it contains falls softly upon the heart.
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