Boasting In My Weakness
Matthew Anderson, a friend over at Mere Orthodoxy invited me to post 8 random stories about myself.
1) When I was three years old my father pulled me aside and said, "Son, I love you." After a moment I said, "I love you too, father." And he said, "Do you really?". I remember thinking to myself, "What is love? Is it a feeling? I don't think it is. Is it a giving? But I have nothing to give? Is it merely a word? I believe it is more than that." Eventually I told my father I did love him, but I feared I had lied because I couldn't explain to myself what love was, so how could I love?
2) In highschool I spent a long time in the mornings reading the Bible. First I would notice the Bible on my nightstand. Then I was head off to do some other task. Then I would come back to the edge of my bed and sit. Then I would stand up. Then I would sit back down again. Much, much later, I began to read.
3) As a little boy I used to wonder about how many people there were on the earth. At least a hundred -which was more than I could imagine. "And how strange," I thought, "That I am the only one I have control over." After thinking about this I grew very afraid, and I didn't understand why.
4) During my early days in college I began studying the works of those who used philosophical and scientific evidence to defend the Bible. It was at this time I went to the hospital for an appendectomy. My roommate was a Mormon. I thought I had all the answers. The more certain of this I became, the more foolish my own words sounded to me. Eventually the mormon told me, "Look, I'm not just going to put my hands over my eyes and ears and shout until you go away. The thing is I live by faith." To this day I believe he was in a sense full of lies, but at the time I thought to myself, "Simple faith? How wonderful!". When I returned to college I tried to forget the whole incident.
5) One time as a young child I found a penny on the carpet. I was delighted and hid it in my hands. My father easily saw me do this and asked me what I had. I showed him reluctantly. He told me to give it back, but I refused. He told me again. Although the penny seemed like a lot of money to me at the time, I had this odd sensation that it was actually worth almost nothing and that he would give it back to me if I just handed it over to him. And the more I considered this, the tighter I held the penny. "What kind of man demands to have money handed over to him, so he can give it back?" I was also (painfully) aware of how unhappy I was in my stiffness.
6) In junior high I decided to get baptised. Afterword I was faced with two voices. The first voice said over and over again, "It was a nice ceremony. The people in your community all expect it of you and now it is over with." The second voice said, "This is your chance -maybe your only chance- to change your ways and become a different person. You have set off on a total life commitment, and that is where you should continue." How slow I was to accept the latter voice!
7) While studying philosophy at Keble College in Oxford I cherished the complexity of my studies and how I was (slowly) mastering them. At the same time I had this sinking feeling that all my efforts were to no avail -that my studies promised me everything, but instead gave me nothing. I began to let go of my strenuous efforts at understanding. I feared I had failed at school and also at life. It was then that I began to spend time with a young girl about my age. She was very intelligent, but did not consider her learning something to be grasped. And with what joy she lived! "Surely, this woman has found the true Jesus," I thought. A year and a half later I married her.
8) In highschool we had a large auditorium where we met three times a week for morning assembly. Someone would recite a speach or perform a dance. Then the faculty would get up, face the audience, and yell loudly their announcements. Some mornings it seemed like they were in competition with each other to see who could shout the loudest to get the most attention. I remember often sensing that God was trying to get my attention, but His voice was so quiet!
1) When I was three years old my father pulled me aside and said, "Son, I love you." After a moment I said, "I love you too, father." And he said, "Do you really?". I remember thinking to myself, "What is love? Is it a feeling? I don't think it is. Is it a giving? But I have nothing to give? Is it merely a word? I believe it is more than that." Eventually I told my father I did love him, but I feared I had lied because I couldn't explain to myself what love was, so how could I love?
2) In highschool I spent a long time in the mornings reading the Bible. First I would notice the Bible on my nightstand. Then I was head off to do some other task. Then I would come back to the edge of my bed and sit. Then I would stand up. Then I would sit back down again. Much, much later, I began to read.
3) As a little boy I used to wonder about how many people there were on the earth. At least a hundred -which was more than I could imagine. "And how strange," I thought, "That I am the only one I have control over." After thinking about this I grew very afraid, and I didn't understand why.
4) During my early days in college I began studying the works of those who used philosophical and scientific evidence to defend the Bible. It was at this time I went to the hospital for an appendectomy. My roommate was a Mormon. I thought I had all the answers. The more certain of this I became, the more foolish my own words sounded to me. Eventually the mormon told me, "Look, I'm not just going to put my hands over my eyes and ears and shout until you go away. The thing is I live by faith." To this day I believe he was in a sense full of lies, but at the time I thought to myself, "Simple faith? How wonderful!". When I returned to college I tried to forget the whole incident.
5) One time as a young child I found a penny on the carpet. I was delighted and hid it in my hands. My father easily saw me do this and asked me what I had. I showed him reluctantly. He told me to give it back, but I refused. He told me again. Although the penny seemed like a lot of money to me at the time, I had this odd sensation that it was actually worth almost nothing and that he would give it back to me if I just handed it over to him. And the more I considered this, the tighter I held the penny. "What kind of man demands to have money handed over to him, so he can give it back?" I was also (painfully) aware of how unhappy I was in my stiffness.
6) In junior high I decided to get baptised. Afterword I was faced with two voices. The first voice said over and over again, "It was a nice ceremony. The people in your community all expect it of you and now it is over with." The second voice said, "This is your chance -maybe your only chance- to change your ways and become a different person. You have set off on a total life commitment, and that is where you should continue." How slow I was to accept the latter voice!
7) While studying philosophy at Keble College in Oxford I cherished the complexity of my studies and how I was (slowly) mastering them. At the same time I had this sinking feeling that all my efforts were to no avail -that my studies promised me everything, but instead gave me nothing. I began to let go of my strenuous efforts at understanding. I feared I had failed at school and also at life. It was then that I began to spend time with a young girl about my age. She was very intelligent, but did not consider her learning something to be grasped. And with what joy she lived! "Surely, this woman has found the true Jesus," I thought. A year and a half later I married her.
8) In highschool we had a large auditorium where we met three times a week for morning assembly. Someone would recite a speach or perform a dance. Then the faculty would get up, face the audience, and yell loudly their announcements. Some mornings it seemed like they were in competition with each other to see who could shout the loudest to get the most attention. I remember often sensing that God was trying to get my attention, but His voice was so quiet!
Labels: Angst, Childhood, Love and Loving
2 Comments:
Thanks for sharing those tid-bits of your life. The picture is cute too! It sounds like lots of lessons learned..some I can relate to.
Thanks, smitty.
You may find the picture cute (my wife will almost undoubtedly agree), but when I see the picture I say to myself, "This! This is the very person I wish to become!"
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