The Hypocrite's Proverbs

During my years in college I did not smoke. I did not do drugs. I did not have sex with anyone. I had very little alcohol and only on breaks. I obeyed all the rules of the college I went to and then some. But my ways were evil, and my heart was full of disobedience.

Ultimately I blame myself for the sorrows I carried. To justify my ways to others (not to myself or God) I kept a very strict set of rules -perhaps you could call it a system. This system was not in conflict with any of my academic activities, in fact many people found such a systematic view to be acceptable and even honorable.

At a certain point God confronted me with my double-minded ways. In the pain of confronting my hypocrisies, I felt like God was telling me, 'I'm not after your systematic brain. It's your love that I require.' But I can't really put the way God said it in words. Not the way I heard it at least.

At any rate, after all this took place I wrote up a list of proverbs that hypocrites live by. A lot of the rules are the meaningless rules I heard people holding us to, but a lot of them are my own as well. God is doing a great work in my heart, and I am enjoying life a lot more!



Here are the Hypocrite's Proverbs:

Avoid mirrors at all costs. If you must look into a mirror, avoid looking into your own eyes. If you discover that someone you know looks in a mirror, refer to him or her as a narcissist.

Everywhere you go people are watching. If you travel to India, Paris, or Tokyo, you will find people. Therefore, if you must do the right thing, do it because people are watching you.

Join an accountability group. You are weak and you cannot choose the Good on your own. Therefore find as many acquaintances as possible to pressure and trick you into choosing the Good. Going through the motions of Christianity is just as good if not better than Christianity.

The most important thing is to talk about the Right thing, whether you believe it or not. Don't worry about being "for real". Tell people to do the Right thing even if you don't care about doing it yourself.

Keep tax collectors and prostitutes far from your acquaintance, but close to your mouth. Do not refer to them incessantly, but instead make subtle remarks about their indecencies. Remember that tax collectors and prostitutes are everywhere except within.

Make every effort to believe orthodox doctrine – the more obscure the better. After all, it is far easier to make distinctions in ten different kinds of grace than to believe for one moment that God has forgiven you.

Better to live in pretence than to admit open rebellion.

If you are a man, let the girls know that you don't believe in makeout sessions. This will make it easier to have makeout sessions with them.

If you are a woman, advise younger girls to commit to not dating for a semester and to eat lots of icecream in the cafeteria, but remember to never go near icecream because it could prevent you from finding a boyfriend.

The most important thing in preparing for death and the end of the world is to avoid considering death and the end of the world.

Always have a list of vaguely irrelevant principles to talk about. Rebuke your acquaintances when they don't finish their food in the cafeteria, or when people watch movies without first reading the book, or when people don't eat a balanced diet, or when a church doesn't have a liturgy. Tie up heavy burdens for men to carry, but do not lift a finger to help them. Refer to these principles as "scruples" and always pretend that they have something to do with the Right thing.

Use the words "appropriate" and "virtue" as many times as possible. Say things like, "Well, I don't play video games in my spare time because I follow virtue," or, "I don't wear spaghetti strap shirts because they're not appropriate." The words "virtue" and "appropriate" have the convenience of being able to mean everything and nothing.

Keep everything as abstract as possible. When someone says, "Were you hitting on my girlfriend?", Say something like, "Ideally speaking, a girlfriend would not respond to interferring gentlemen." Above all, never let your "Yes" mean "Yes" or your "No" mean "No".

Remember to be scientific and technical. When someone says, "What does death mean?" Answer: "Death is a result of vital organ failure." Remember that science and objectivity are the best evasions of all.

If you are a woman, be emotional and capricious as a principle. Whenever the impulse seizes you to comfort and console your friend do not resist. Whenever you desire to shout and rage and lose all composure do not stop to reflect about your raging. Keep your reflections far and your self farther.

Always practice dying to self. This will allow you to be controlled more by your influences and by others. The reason Christians carry crosses is really to remind themselves to disappear to themselves quietly as if they have no intention of living.

When exegeting a passage, always pay especially close attention to authorial intent, historical background, and the connotation. Take a deep breath and say, "This is not about me!" Then you will successfully prevent the passage from being personally interpreted and incorporated into your life.

If you are interested in dating a woman, plan lots of activities, give her lots of chocolates and flowers, open doors for her, and above all shower her every quality in bushels of poetry. If you do all this she will never have the faintest suspicion that you have no care for her whatsoever. Love is a talented deception, and it is far easier to be a gentleman than a lover.

The immortal soul sees Justice. The mortal body does not see Justice. Make it a point to let the soul pursue what it sees and the body to pursue what it sees. Do not consider any kind of spiritual relation between the two.

In the event that an authority commands something, accept it immediately without consideration. If anyone asks why you accepted the command say, "The authority has spoken, and we must accept their words unconditionally." Then do your best to forget hearing the command in the first place.

If you are a man, become a worship leader. Let the rhythm and sound carry you according to its own measure. If you must insist on anything, may it be in avoiding resolve of every kind.

If you are a woman, make a list of every man who talks to you during the day. When your friends ask you why you are writing down the names of men, tell them that it is a list of your stalkers.

During pains of reluctance or hesitation, always remember past spiritual achievements or future expectations – even if they are nothing more than exagerations. When poaching food from your roommate, just remember that you went on a mission trip in highschool. When seeing the needs of the poor, always remember that you can help them tomorrow. In all things avoid living in the moment.

Reverse the roles of freedom and necessity. When a woman wants to know why you love her, tell her she is irresistable. When she wants to know why you haven't carried out your commitments, tell her that you have the freedom to do whatever you want.

Get lots of things and lots of attention. Make your phylacteries wide and your tassels long. In your accumulation of everything to everyone, make sure that you never accumulate a self to catch your own attention.